Home is...

It's hard for me to tell sometimes if where I am shapes who I am. I grew up in rural Tennessee, and I can't deny that it affected who I was to some degree. Though on the other hand it wasn't uncommon to be told that I lacked a southern accent, and even as a teenager I cared for people and issues in a way that would lean me to the political left (not the common leaning of those around me). And yet as a teenager in rural TN, I wouldn't say I had too much of a political view, at least not in the way I imagine a teenager growing up in a larger city is more likely to have. So moving to New York City when I was 18, and living here for ten years has surely shaped me in some ways. But I have to wonder if it's led me to have certain opinions, or if I was that person already and just allowed to understand myself better thanks to the people and situations around me.

I do know now that I can hide parts of who I am depending on the people I'm around. I know that's not healthy, but sometimes it feels like a matter of survival. If I expect to fit in or move ahead in an environment of people that show signs of not being open to who I am, I feel I have to avoid letting on that I would fall into the category of people they have a prejudice against.

But there's also a more banal, or just realistic, reason to consider how much I am shaped by where I call home. Now that I have finished my masters, people ask me what's next. Well, I don't know. I like what I do and where I am just fine. I suppose I could consider furthering my education more, or spending more time on my artwork, but it's also natural to consider looking for different employment. Looking at new jobs can also mean looking at a new living situation. Do I bother looking at jobs in other parts of the country, or is my current home too important to consider leaving? Would I even feel comfortable in other places? I know rural, and I know urban, but all I know about suburbia is what I've learned when visiting the in-laws. Previously I've always thought, "It's a nice place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there."

Of course there are some things about suburbia that lends to "the grass is always greener" thoughts... like the fact that they have grass. But I can think of many things that make my current grass more than green... What's better? A green backyard or a technicolor dreamcoat?

I'm not going to use this as a way to write a love letter to NY, though I could probably do that. I'm just pondering if I could ever make a move outside of NYC... and if so, what kind of place could I ever feel as home in as I do in Brooklyn?